My blog has moved, but this is my archive!

So I've moved to: http://sillyjacki.blogspot.com/

Mostly because LJ is not complying with my desire to choose my own color scheme anymore. Also, where did these ads come from?! And finally, Blogger = google = owns everything.

So I hope you update your links! Thanks for following me. :)

So, I haven't updated in a bit, which is to say that things are going smoothly in my life. Classes start tomorrow, which is sad, but since then, I HAVE MOVED, gone home to Ohio, and bought any number of things for myself, others, and the apartment.

Love life is good- amends have been made, and life is moving forward.

I made a resolution this year to stop buying useless crap, get rid of things I don't need, and streamline my life just a little bit more to make room for the good stuff. It's working.

i won't bore you with the details.

***
I figured I'd dump some cool stuff on this entry and let you peruse it at your will if interested.

1) Ravelry.com is amazing. If you knit or crochet, you need to join the site immediately. You can put your projects on there, your yarn... Most importantly, you can SEARCH FOR PATTERNS. I have a bunch of Rowan calmer with no direction, and I am currently searching for just the right pattern for it. You can even filter your results to include the needles you have, the yarn, the type of project.. It's insane in such a good way.

2) In keeping with yarn (then I'll stop): Blondechicken's Etsy Shop is pretty much amazing. Banana silk yarn? Sign me up. Also, since my birthday is coming up, it's an easy present. I like all the colors, but am particularly intrigued by the lilac purple yarn.

3) This fabulous little blog called How About Orange was worth reading cover to cover (pardon the expression). Great images, lots of downloadables.

***
That's it for now. I am going to rework my blog layout later today, so be on the lookout for that.

xoxoj

Same survey as last year. Previous (2007) answers in Italics. No LJ cut bc it isn't working.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Got laid off, went to the AIA sandcastle competition, been in a hurricane.
Went to see the Rockets. Bought a car. Graduated from college. Took a trip in a motorhome. Got a real, full-time, permanent job thing.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't keep my New Year's resolution at all; I think I'm becoming a worse person. I'm going to try to fix that.
Mine is always to be a good person, or improve myself somehow. So hopefully I will continue to do that. I think I did this year.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Jerry's wife, Pam!
My coworker Louis's Wife. My friend of the family, Kelly. Also Amber.


4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, not that I remember.
My grandpa. My uncle.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just here!
I haven't been anywhere else this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Um.. I'd still like to know where my life is leading me, in regard to my relationship. That is becoming more and more of a source of frustration. I'd also like my job back, but I didn't lack it in 08.
A ring. Ha!

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
Erm... Mother's Day. August 15th. Hurricane Ike Day.
January 15, when my grandpa died. May 12, graduation.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through my fall semester without (a) killing someone (b) dropping out.
GRADUATING

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing my job. I am really irritated that I'm not working right now.
Losing my friend. Not my fault.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of random sickness.
Sicknesses, twisted ankles. Nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new apartment?
Wally II

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Aleks. My friends at work. My family.
Aleks. My parents. My brother. My brother made the president's list at school. He is a fucking badass and I love the hell out of him. Doug Oliver, for standing up for me.


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Aleks. A few of my friends at work. My family. Ha.
Bobby. Some friends.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Survival. Rent. Clothes. Bills.
Rent. Clothes. Roxy. Gasoline.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The new basketball arena, moving.
Graduating and starting work. My job. Making cool yarn things.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
More Kanye. Wyclef. Pink.
"No One" by Alicia Keys. Kanye's Graduation album/

17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i) happier or sadder?
Sadder.
Happier, by far!

ii) thinner or fatter?
Thinner.
Fatter, but I look smokin' hot.

iii) richer or poorer?
Poorer.
Richer... I MAKE BANK, YO.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Socializing. Knitting.
Sex. Having FUN.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Fighting, being irritated.
Worrying. Sitting on tarmac. Sleeping.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Back in Columbus.
At home with my fam.

21. How will you be spending New Year's?
Basketball game, then who knows?
With my friend, Mark, and his girlfriend, wishing I was with Al.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yeah.
I was already there.

23. How many one night stands?
0
0

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
The Office, Life, Gossip Girl. It's hilariously bad.
The Office, I Love New York, Life, The Simpsons, Family Guy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate last year?
No.
.... No. Yes. Hate is a strong word. I dislike Bobby. Although we're civil now.

26. What was the best book you read?
I read too many books to be stuck with one, but Obama's books were good.
Anything by Stephanie Pearl-Mcphee, who is a badass. The Agony and the Ecstacty, again.


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Didn't have one, really.
American Bang is hot.

28. What did you want and get?
Insight.
A diploma. A convertible. A job. New friends. Wingtip Pumps (OMG)

29. What did you want and not get?
Less stress in my relationship.
Things I specifically denied myself for my own health, heart, etc.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Don't watch movies.... My favorites are still the same.
I don't know, honestly. I love The Seven Year Itch still.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to dinner with people and then, I think I went to sleep?
I went out to dinner and had people over afterward. It was great. I turned 21 for the second time.


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting back to basics on my relationship. Can you sense a theme, here?
More sex. But work wears you out before you can wear yourself out.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Lots of drapey jersey, excessive amounts of heels.
Sexy office bitch.

34. What kept you sane?
Rox.
Driving. Talking. Kisses. Roxy. Mainly Roxy. Knitting.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Monroe.
David Beckham is sexy. Damian Lewis is amazing.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Environmental issues.
I try to keep my mind off of these things mostly, but the Iraq conflict. Abortion. Immigration. Taxes.


37. Who did you miss?
My family.
My family.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My roommate!!
New person I met? Derrick. Or Louis. I freaking LOVE Louis.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Sometimes, your brain is in a completely different place from the rest of ya.
Trust your heart. The rest will follow.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You think you're in love like it's a real sure thing
But every time you fall, you get your ass in a sling...
The entire song "Stay with you" by John Legend.

41. What was your favorite moment of the year?
I don't know. Nothing specifically stands out.
Having lunch with my family and Aleks's family at Palazzo's for my graduation. Or my Xmas party. That was good.

42. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The realization that I would, in fact, be coming back to school.
Dad's triple bypass.

43. Where were you when 2008 began?
Sleeping in my bed, pissed off.
Scott Freeman's house.

44. Who were you with?
Muhself.
Randoms.

45. Where will you be when 2008 ends?
No clue.
No clue.

46. Who will you be with when 2008 ends?
See above.
See above.

47. What was your favorite month of 2008?
June, likely. I think October was good, too?
May or June... October, November...

48. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Alcohol is like the worst possible substance for me.
No.

49. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
None.
None.

50. How many people did you sleep with in 2008?
One.
One.

51. Did you do anything you were ashamed of this year?
Sure.
Yes. Let's leave it at that.

52. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
Yes, I absolutely want to be with you for the rest of my life.
OJ: I didn't do it (again)

53. Did you treat someone badly in 2008?
Yes.
I don't think so.

54. Did someone treat you badly in 2008?
Yes.
YES.

55. How many concerts did you see in 2008?
One. CC/M5. Was great.
Zero?

56. Did you have a favorite concert in 2008?
Yes, the one I went to. I don't like going to concerts if I am not 100% in love with the band.
I wish I could have seen the Counting Crows again.

57. How much money did you spend in 2008?
A substantial amount. Likely around $30,000.
OMG like who can count that. Lots.

58. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something what would it be?
I don't know that me doing things differently will ever really fix anything.
My initial reactions to various things.

***
xoxoj

Tonight, my mom left to go back to Columbus, which was sad. She was here for three days and it was a blast. We didn't do a whole lot, but we DID go to a basketball game, out to dinner a few times, we saw the new apartment (oh, did I mention I'm moving?), went shopping a few times, etc. It was great fun. We got to talk a lot, which I needed. I miss having all the time in the world to bounce my ideas off my mom, and it doesn't happen much now because I have to condense a lot of my life into the space of a phone conversation.

So anyway, she left today and just called from the house. Cool.

Meanwhile, on my way back from the airport, Aleks asks me to stop and pick him up from Lovett. When I got there, he looked great- was all dressed up for no reason. He gets in the car and announces that he is taking me out to dinner. So I went home and threw something on and out we went. We had dinner at the Grand Luxe Cafe, which is a Cheesecake Factory brand, for you non-Houstonians. Food was great, and we just about passed out from an intense food coma. It was all kinds of happy.

Then, we went to Best Buy and looked at cool shit together. It was seriously the best night ever, and since I was feeling sad about Mom leaving, it was a great distraction. What a perfect date. :)

***
Last class of the semester tomorrow. My archi classes get pushed back two weeks due to charrette and jury week, so we're finishing up now.

I got laid off (temporarily) from my job last week, and I have to go in tomorrow and hear the news officially, as well as grab my coffee cups and pashmina scarf from the office. I am going out to lunch with my coworkers, too. Should be a good day.

Afterward, I have to print and bind all of my landscape class assignments, and go to class at 7. Then, it's KNIT KNIT KNIT to get some Xmas presents done in time for the big day. I need to buy some size 3 dpns... And didn't see any at the yarn store last time I went. Hrm. I'd rather not have to drive to Spring just for them. I don't think I can wait for Knitpicks or someone to ship them, though. Maybe I can just knit loosely on 2's. Ah well, anyone who is reading this is likely not a knitter. Anyway, cheers!

xoxoj

So if you know anything about me, you know I am a diehard Apple fangirl. I love everything Macintosh, end of story. I just have a few "wants" from their store that I will share. (Maybe I'll do a new store every day! Who knows?)


Apple 24" LED cinema display
Although school is pretty much over, having a cinema display would be great for doing website design and the random graphic jobs I sometimes stumble upon. Also, it's great for sharing within a household.


Airport Extreme Base Station
I would LOVE to be able to backup and print wirelessly. Do I really need to say any more?


Final Cut Express 4.0
I'm not a big movie-maker, but the clip vids I do (and would like to do more!) would benefit from some decent software. little iMovie needs help.


4GB ram!
My computer is creeping with the stuff it is required to do for studio. I needs me an upgrade!

Ok, that's it for today!
xoxoj

Things I want for Xmas


Boucle Cowlneck sweater in white: $19


Drapey Cowlneck Tee- $49


Flirty Little Sleeveless Squareneck Dress- $69


Stretch Cotton Rib Turtleneck Sweaterdress in Balsamic Heather (purple) - $49


Soft knit long-sleeve henley (any color)- $21


Soft knit boyshort (any color, matching the previous henley- $12


(Same set as above, only ON someone)

I took some time off to try to get my shit together, so when I came back to the blogosphere, I wouldn't sound nearly as ungodly pathetic as I did in my last entry. It became obvious to me over the last few days that, because my blog is just so awful, it's almost like it's this giant ironic statement... and I know that whatever I write is always some ludicrous snapshot of a time when things seem immensely more important than they end up being in the grand scheme of things. I guess you can call it something like drama, exaggeration, disproportion, delusion. Something, I don't know. Words escape me as quickly as they come to me these days.

My ex pretty much pulled a 180 on me a day after he left, telling me he made some big mistake and he wanted to come back. But a whole series of emotions, logic, thoughts had already started rolling through my life, and I was ready to reevaluate things. Maybe the time off wasn't a bad idea. Maybe ending it is the right answer. I sit here a lot and just think through a million different scenarios and try to find one that ends with the least damage. I don't know the answer. I know that there are outside forces in my life that are pulling at my focus, but to go to them would be inane, a waste.

Even if I feel cosmically compelled to be with someone, to be a part of someone's life in some way, it isn't my decision alone. That's a hard thing to grasp in life. You can want something immensely and still not get it. You can do everything right and still not get it. You can put forth the effort that no one else will, offer yourself like no one else will, be committed like no one else can, and STILL not get what you want. That's life. What a cliche, but ugh, is it ever true.

So what does this mean for the next few weeks and months? I don't know. I see myself with him but at the same time I can't give myself up to this back and forth attitude. It's not in me to take people back. It's not in me to switch it up when someone's not feeling like playing the game anymore. I'm a long haul girl. End of story.

***
There have been some major sticks in my spokes lately. The economy is forcing layoffs around the city, and when it hits us, I am going to freak out. I won't probably lose my job, but I worry about my friends.

Studio is slowly killing me. End of story. I want my damn degree and I want out of this place. People are so rude and self interested.

Alright, that's enough for now. I started knitting again, which is good.

xoxoj

It's 2 am, and in the last year, I haven't done much of anything past 11.30 or so. But last night was a long night for me, and again, tonight I can't sleep.

There is an incredibly emptiness inside me... My best friend is gone. He left me last night. I keep hoping, focusing, on the thought that he might come back. He's had a rough schedule and wasn't happy-- I felt his frustration, and I guess the stress was too much. I sit here and think about how much of this is my fault, how I can see it as my fault, and I feel sick.

My best friend says he loves me, but he doesn't know how he can be with me... That he's tired of fighting, that he's tired of trying. I want to somehow be able to tell him that relationships aren't perfect, and that you have to fight sometimes. That you won't always agree, and you have to work through those things to become stronger.

My chest hurts, deeply, like a knife has slipped between my ribs and pierced my heart. A part of me is gone, and I'm sitting here, feeling like he's died. Or I have.

I wish I understood my pain enough to make it stop. I wish I could say something to fix everything. But I really wish, more than anything, that he would come back. I love him more than anything. He's my rock, and he's my best friend. I can't imagine being without him.

xoxoj

You're grasping for straws again. Looking for anything to pull you out of the darkness, catapult you upward on that yo-yo of life. You never liked the dramatic upswings because you knew they accompanied downswings. Everything is crashing on you. You grab your teacup, thick and ceramic, by the handle and are astonished at how heavy everything feels when you're sinking. Everything falls with you; the sky, the floor, the ceiling over your head. The chair you sit on.

You feel the blood trickling weakly in your veins, pooling at the bottom with the weight of everything you feel. You sink and sink and sink.

You're so tired, so overwhelmingly exhausted from life that blinking is about the only relief you feel. Lately, everything is just too hard.

Too much.

You are slicing onions for dinner. You're going to caramelize them, with a little bit of honey, to put on the chicken breasts that are already in the oven. You bought the onions: vidalias, big, and creamy, almost pearly once you've peeled the crusty skins from them. You could just cut off the outer layer, but there's something about the skin that compels you to peel it off with your fingernails, holding it up to the light and gazing through its translucence like the stained glass in the cathedrals you studied in school.

You push the knife downward into the flesh of the onion, releasing the pungent, acrid smell that immediately makes the back of your throat sore, your eyes watering to protect against the burn. You look away as you pull the knife upward and reposition it to plunge downward toward the cutting board one more time. The burn increases, and you cough for a minute, stepping back to breathe quickly; unadulterated, unpolluted oxygen that makes your chest heave with relief.

You hold the onion firmly with your left hand and pick up the knife again. This time, as you saw into the onion's layers, confidently, you suddenly feel your throat tighten with a choking cough. In that millisecond, your whole body stutters, and your hand changes position, your index finger directly in the path of the knife. The blade tears through your skin, landing with a sickening thud on the bone of your finger. It was so easy, like the body of the onion, your finger gave away to the sharpness. Blood reacts quickly; the cutting board is already the host to a small pool of redness, mixing with the acidic onion juice that is starting to seep into the cut as well, stinging. You're still coughing, choking, gasping awkwardly for air, exacerbated by this new injury. Your body rakes with pain, your nerves confused about what hurts more. The blood is coming fast, the sight making you feel dizzy. You bend to the floor, landing clumsily against the cabinet, grabbing for a towel as the coughing subsides, finally. Your chest is twisted into a knot. Your finger is almost numb with stinging pain.

You inhale to recover; you rest your head against the cabinet's panel. The egg timer starts its shrill alarm.

Things that displease me:

Having my creative output ganked and replicated.
Having a rando annihilate my facebook profile.
Having a friend act like a penis face every Monday, like clockwork.
Having company that comes over way too late.
Having plans created for me that usurp my time.
Having dog shit on the floor.

This has been a public service announcement.

xoxoj

Your chest hurts, like a lead weight is sitting on it, as you lay flat in your bed. Again, alone. You sit up slightly, still reclined, but enough to make the pain lessen. You hope. It still hurts. You push upward with your hips, jabbing your elbow into the mattress, as you attempt to get comfortable on your side. There's no relief. The pain isn't asthmatic. It isn't inflammation. It isn't coronary. But it feels all three.

The pain in your chest, you realize, is loss. It isn't loss like when you misplace your house key, digging through the piles of mail on your desk, rummaging in your purse to still the uneasiness in your heart. It isn't loss like misplacing an earring, knowing it's somewhere between San Jacinto Street and Travis.

It's loss like pain. Like a knifeblade that pushes at the surface of your skin, right before it pierces, right before everything gets soft and deep and doesn't push back. It's that knife sinking into your heart.

It's loss like darkness, in the house alone. When the floorboards creek and the silence and blackness are like a blanket, suffocating, stifling, choking the last breath, the last sound from your lungs.

It's the loss of something slipping through your grasp, of dropping something in a crevice, of losing your grip on the reins. You shut your eyes tightly, pushing the hurt out of your head, because it rattles around in one second, and is replaced by a soft thud the next.

You've lost something you never really had, you remind yourself. Something you didn't want. Something temporary and meaningless, something inane, something worthless.

You worry that it isn't so worthless.

Your head still throbs. It's withdrawal. You recognize addiction because it's a part of everything you do. You are normally so careful to not fall into the trap of allowing yourself that blind want. You wouldn't allow yourself to slip in so deeply without restraint. Somehow, it happened, and you lay on your side, in your empty bed, twitching with the last drops of the last hit of the last night.

You worry that you'll never know how it feels again. You worry more that you will.

It's early morning, maybe 6 or 7... You don't roll over for fear of the red numbers at the clock, glaring at you, ordering you out of bed. You lay completely still, just your eyes open, feeling the gritty texture of your eyelids as you blink intermittently. You're still tired, but here you are, completely, unquestionably awake. Your mind is miles beyond the physical realm, making you wonder how many minutes, or hours, or days it might take to move your hand across the blanket. If you so desired.

Today there is plenty of space and you're alone. It's becoming more and more common, this aloneness, and you're trying to figure out just how okay that is. Two days ago it was liberating. Yesterday it was awful. You're not awake enough right now, right in this instant, to see the results on the litmus. You wish you could stay in this moment of not feeling, or not knowing, of just breathing and blinking, no matter how painful, in ignorance. Sometimes not knowing is easier.

You use every ounce of half-awakened strength you have to roll over and gently pull your duvet over your head.

You gnaw on your lower lip; kiss-chapped, bee-stung puffy, and redder than red. A trickle of pleasure runs through you, down your arms and legs, rolling across the taught surface of your skin. You inhale deepy, and exhale quickly. It's almost irritating how good you feel; that you know what it is that creates radiance inside you; that you know you can't have it constantly. You lift your hand up to rest your chin, and notice the scent that still clings to your skin statically. You raise your other hand and breathe deeply, letting the smell re-create the past hour and a half in your mind, not wanting to snuff out the flames just yet. You hate the memories because they're never as satisfying. Never as sweet. Never as dark. Deep. Damp. You feel dizzy, push your hands away from your face, and realize the intensity of the scent hasn't lessened. It isn't just on your hands. It's where his lips pushed against your neck, his tongue on your earlobe. His hips clashing against you, his hand on your breast. You're wrapped up in the smell, intoxicated, invigorated with a need that controls you. 

Is it possible to want so much? Is it possible to feel endlessly open, inviting, firey, focused? You worry for a second that you might become addicted to the sharpness of breath, to the involuntary shudder, your fist twisting a sheet, grabbing onto an arm, pulling your hair. You worry that you will spend night after night yearning for the feelings you didn't know could be so, so, so....

You inhale again, and your thoughts fall out of your grasp, clanging to the floor.

So some weird things have gone down in the past few days, maybe in the past week. I can't talk about most of them. Not here where the world is an audience, where you can be redirected in two seconds. Where my buddy in marketing sends me an email going "I was googling our firm and your blog popped up!".

So I keep my head down but my eyes cast upward... I try to focus on the very little good that exists and feel grateful for it. I try to not let go so easily, because when it gets too easy, what do you really have to hold on to? When friends and loves are expendible, can I say that the next friend, the next love, is any different? Being burned is part of the cycle. Lowering expectations is something I might need to do. 

I temper my dreams in the professional world, creating realistic goals so that I can feel a sense of achievement, allowing me to switch up my direction at the mile marker of the last big hurrah. It's easier that way, it's more liberating. Why expect so much love, so much trust in those close to me? Why not be pleased with the little I have? Why isn't it enough?

***
I'm sitting here, intermittently picking at my cuticles. I feel a humming in the pit of my stomach, like someone's plucked the lowest guitar string and it continues to vibrate in your head long after it's stopped. I want to write more. I want to paint more. I want my identity to shine through what I do, but without the vulnerability of judgment. 

I DO want the arch of the foot, the sharp inhale. I want the electric energy sparkling through my vertebrae. I want the intensity of concentration in quiet. I want a hand on my hip, grasping firmly but not painfully. I want something so equisite in its simplicity that it is undeniably natural. I want nights like water, like blood coursing through me. I want mornings composed of long stretches. 

I want to feel like I felt before. Again. 

xoxoj

You're running a little late. Trying to get across town today was a nightmare. Your plan was to surprise him at work, out by his car in the parking lot. You're wearing a white crocheted dress that shows off the deep tan that only comes with a lot of accidental sun exposure. But you're feeling good, excited to pull off your secret plan and make his evening.

As you pull into the parking lot, you spot him by his car, leaning against the frame in a casual way, almost like he's waiting for you. As you slowly pull forward, your smile broadens and you quickly look for a place to park your car before he sees you. The plan was to be waiting AT his car as he left the building, but you can improvise.

You clear the last giant SUV blocking your vision when it becomes apparent that he isn't alone. His gaze is fixed on someone you can't quite make out. You don't recognize her, except to know it's definitely a her. You don't notice your foot on the brake as the wheels in your mind slowly grind forward, trying to piece together what it is that you're seeing. Her hand traces back to a strand of hair behind her ear, slowly twirling it around a manicured finger. Her eyes are cast upward, eyelashes batting, almost with an intense effort. The twirling slows, she drops her finger to the base of her neck, rubbing her collarbone. He shifts his hand to his pocket, undoubtedly hiding a swelling you thought was reserved only for you.

She reaches out her hand and places it on his forearm, close to his elbow, and instead of backing away, he leans forward. He removes his pocketed hand and moves it easily and smoothly toward her hip.

You are paralyzed, dumbfounded. You don't notice the cars lining up behind you. The sun beats on the hood of your car, reflecting into your eyes.

You stare.

It's 2 p.m. and raining like hell. You turn over and stare through the lamplight that splashes across your duvet cover, yellow. When it storms outside, everything seems quieter, calmer, safer inside. You draw your leg up behind you, slightly arching your back and allowing your gaze to tease across the bed. He lays with his eyes closed, face down, a thread of the sheet barely covering everything you saw just minutes ago. Your skin is no longer slicked with sweat; your temperature has cooled and just the skin that touches the bed is still radiating heat. The difference is palpable, like you could almost draw the line between hot and cold.

Your hand slowly skims across the surface of the bed, almost hovering with the electricity of such a small space between you. The noise causes him to heavily, calmly lift his eyelids. He rolls gently toward you, placing his hand across your wrist, drawing it toward his mouth. You feel his mouth, smooth across the back of your hand. Your lips part involuntarily, and you feel yourself being drawn toward him, as if a string around your hips was being pulled steadily in his direction. A shiver rolls through your body, and you struggle to take in the slightest breath. Hours occur in a second. Rivulets of rain eke down the recessed windows. The sky is grey.

All you feel is the yellow lamplight as it turns gold across your skin, hitting his in a gently glowing warmth that absorbs everything else.

If yesterday was a series of small accomplishments getting me through the day, today is going to be a lot more of the same.

It's so hard to focus right now when the smallest tasks, like brushing your hair, or making dinner, or finding an outfit that is work acceptable.... Are so damn difficult. I haven't felt as shitty as this in a long time- just beat up.

All the details are too much to write. But I'm finding out things about myself that scare the hell out of me. I hate having my trust in someone- such a serious investment for me- questioned. Broken. I don't know what it is. I just hurt a lot. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to be the kind of girl whose life hinges on some relationship... It's a fine line between respect and letting go to allow yourself to fall, and maybe be hurt.

Lately, it's just getting hurt. I think I want so badly to fill it in and pretend like its okay.

Last night, it became obvious to me that, within myself, I have placed a greater value on my relationship than I thought. And when it's compromised, it's emotionally jarring.

My mind is filled with these thoughts and my body has an inertia I don't understand. I wish I hadn't used up all the personal hours I had saved up. I could use a day in bed.

Or a week.

I don't know. I owe you details that I just can't type right now.

xoxoj

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
"Come out swingin'": it means to always be prepared to defend yourself.

2. Elaborate on your default photo:
Chad and I spent a lot of time and effort making a calendar for Aleks for Christmas two years ago. What a waste that was.

3. What's your middle name[s]?:
We've done this.

4. Hey where is number 4?
On the door.

5. What are you wearing right now?
Shorts and t-shirt

6. What is your current problem?
My ex-boyfriend is a douche.

7. What do you love most?
My family, my dog.

8. Who makes you most happy?
Roxy saves me constantly from deep depression. No lie.

9. Are you musically talented?:
I guess. I can play instruments well when I try.

10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be?
Feb 14 2006.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day-what would you be?
A cheetah.

12. Ever have a near death experience?
No.

13. Can you sing?
Not at ALL.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"Get out" by Jojo.. just popped in there. Funny how.

15. Who did you cut and paste this from?
My cousin Bill's myspace.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you.
Whitney Burris.

17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property?
Yeah, I ruined Cory's phone once when trying to do him a favor and I felt SO BAD about it.

18. Have you ever been in a physical fight?
Oh yes.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?
In my nightmares, yes.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
Height.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Tall, soy, no water chai.

22. Do you have a crush on one of your myspace friends?
Nah. I use myspace to keep in contact with my family, so ew.

23. Ever had a drunken night in another country?
Sure.

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Not really.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Yes. Spongebob.

26. Did you have braces?
Yes. And jaw surgery. Now my teeth look like veneers.

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
I'd like to be taller.

28. What is the sweetest thing someone's ever done for you?
My mom gave birth to me.

29. Do you speak any other languages?
Not really. These questions are old and I'm in a shitty mood.

30. Whats your fav scent?
Chocolate. Or cinnamon bread. Satsuma oranges.

***
xoxoj

How long until your birthday?
6 months. Wewt.

Do you have any relatives in the military currently?
Nope.

Who got married at the last wedding you went to?
My cousin Katy.

Are you better at math or art?
Art

Science or History?
HISTRENCE

Who was your 4th grade teacher?
Mrs. Ware / Mr. Whitaker

Who was your best friend in 7th grade?
Courtney Johnon

Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all?
Preschool is for the elite.

Who was the last person to call you?
Aleks

What's your favorite brand of gum?
The kind I chew.

Do you own a digital camera?
Yeah, I like it ok.

How old is the cellphone you have right now?
2 pathetic years old.

Do you know anyone named Tyler?
Tyler Hayes! I wonder if that guy is still alive...

Are both your parents still living?
Yep.

What was the last thing you bought?
SHOES!!!!

Can you do a handstand?
Noper.

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?
Dunno. A handful.

Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yeah, they're kind of cute.

Are you taller than your mom?
Oh hale yeh.

Are you confused?
YES! Where I is at?

Whats on your wish list for your birthday?
Nothin.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited. Always.

Something you hate more than anything?
Allergic reaction rashes.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Sure.

Do you like surprises?
YAY!

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you?
Yes. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, or a bitch, or a crazy bitch.

Do you miss someone?
Yeah.

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Probably.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yeah, sometimes a fucking dumb reason.

Whats your most favorite scar?
Who likes their scars? My fo'head scar.

When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Tuesday.

What did the last text message say that you received?
It's too long to retype today.

How many kids do u wanna have?
A coupla.

Would you make a good parent?
Yes. I think so.

Where was your default picture taken?
Chad's studio.

Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Plans for tonight and some dirty little secrety fantasy stuff.

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses when I get fatigued.

When is the last time you received a massage?
A few years ago. Yoga's just as good, though.

Who made you cry last ?
Aleks?

What was the last tv show you watched?
I love the 80's 3d. Great for knitting.

What are your plans for tomorrow?
Maybe going into work. Going up to Aleks's parents' house for lunch for his 21st.

What are you looking forward to?
School, but not in a good way.

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Not well enough.

Who is the last person to make you laugh? When?
Roxy, Beth. Today.

What did you accomplish today at work?
Nothin. Saturday, pals.

Do you think you will be married by the time you are 40?
Yep.

Do you think that your name defines who you are?
No, but it has guided me to aspire to a level of elegance that my crassness will not tolerate. It's a tug of war, you know?

What color is your underwear?
BLUE!

Single?
Nebulous.

Would you rather it be sunny or cloudy?
I like this thunderstorm we're having. Pretty damn cool.

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer
Nope.

Are you interested in any guy or girl at the moment?
Yep.

Last person you text messaged?
Val!!!!

Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to?
Somewhere with sand and umbrellas in the drinkies.

What color are your eyes?
Blue

Are you dating the last person you kissed?
No.

Are you an only child?
Nah, the baby.

Who knows a secret or two about you?
My mom could sink my ship.

Whats bothering you right now?
People.

Whats your middle name? is there a meaning behind it?
Nicole- after my mom, despite the fact that her name is NOT Nicole, but Nicki.
Smith- my mom's maiden name.

Have you kissed anyone in the past week?
Yes.

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Going to bed.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I need to take my drugs.

If you took a drug test would you pass it?
Yeah, unless SuperBenadryl is something you can get in trouble for.

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
Yes.

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Sure. None of these are ever really personal.

Who are your heroes?
Superman, Batman.

Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?
Yeah.

What color is your car?
White.

Have you ever been in the back of a cop car?
Yes! But not because I got in trouble.

***
xoxoj